The Headlines: part 4
Hi there, my g’s. Welcome to the fourth column of my satire The Headlines, which I’m hoping will be a success story. Because, under an oppressive and corrupt system, we all need success stories. And by that, I include satire stories. In this series, each headline — and story — is being written satirically. I’m basically channeling my inner Private Eye. Also, not every story I write is true so please remember that.
In the news this week; how to lead a country and fuck up at it, Channel drownings and our response, and the male role model saga created by a Tory MP. So it’s time for another recipe of satire, as we come to the fourth trimester my g’s.
Governing party goes from ‘protect the NHS’ to ‘make the NHS a place for profit’
The Conservatives, a British governing party that said “protect the NHS” and clapped for them during the pandemic, voted to make the NHS a place for profit and tell it to fuck off into privatisation.
At a time when waiting lists are staggeringly on the high, the so-called social care reforms will hit the poorest the harder as they now have to sell their homes to pay for care, whilst the richest in society will see their wealth protected. Health secretary Sajid Javid is focusing on one thing though — making sure there are 40 new hospitals, only all of them are made out of his government’s empty words.
Tory MPs, who went to the Conservative Winter Ball fundraiser — which they spent a lot of money on, went back to Parliament to vote for poorer homeowners to be even worse off. One of them spoke to us and said this:
“We are committed to doing the key resources for the NHS which will undoubtedly help this health organisation of ours survive for longer. In short: we’re planning on privatisating it. And social care will get all the tools it will need to get through such a hard time, including making the poorest homeowners sell their homes to pay for care and paying millions of pounds for Rishi Sunak to go to space and then say that he is the Chancellor of the Spacequer.”
Tory MPs concerned about Boris Johnson wonder how this could possibly happen
Conservative MPs that are concerned about Boris Johnson, following his CBI speech, wondered how on earth this could have possibly happened.
The Prime Minister forgot what to say during his apparently-scripted speech at the conference and said “forgive me” three times whilst scrolling through the scripts, only for him to turn to the fact that he went to Peppa Pig World and spend his precious little time doing a joke about it in ways that can only be described by The Emperor’s Pig as “a pigging pigsty”.
Tory MPs watched as Johnson ballsed it through, and spent their times wondering how this could occur had they not become Tories and bigged him up as “the Messiah”.
But Justice Secretary and Deputy PM Dominic Raab went on BBC Breakfast to defend his boss amid concerns that he was functioning like a man who went crazy as he took off all his clothes publicly. Raab said this:
“I can easily reassure you, the great British public, that Boris Johnson is touch and go, just like Mrs. Brown. Everything’s good, solid and steeled. And there is not a gong of strenched bees, billions of pounds, intentions of shithousery and rabble after rabble all going on inside the Prime Minister’s body. In unrelated news, corruption is absolutely wrong, whether it be Labour calling us out, or us having sex for millions of pounds.”
If you criticise me because of my incompetence, you are discriminatory, says Incompetent Secretary
“If you criticise me because of my incompetence, then you are discriminatory”, said Nadine Dorries, the Secretary of State for Incompetence and General Bullshit.
She was speaking to the DCMS select committee as SNP MP John Nicolson asked her why she called presenter and author James O’Brien a “posh boy fuckwit”, an “Islamist sympathiser” and claimed he harassed her. Dorries also claimed that Channel 4 is “publicly funded” when in fact it is publicly owned and funded by adverts. She also said that she wants to privatise C4 because their programme Countdown uses words like “varm-int”, “hippodrim” and “nadinepissdorries”.
After the committee, she spoke to client journalists about her government’s plan for culture, or as they now call it, cuture. “We are fully committed to getting our great British culture back on track. Theatres are back in action, but you will have to wear a mask at a theatre, except if you’re Boris Johnson. Another brilliant asset of culture is the National Trust, which we began our culture wars against. I know that British culture is back — well, back for us to fuck up except a culture where money grows from sleaze.”
Priti Patel says Channel drownings give Home Office opportunity to renew Hostile Environment
Priti Patel said that the horrific drownings of 27 people in the English Channel gave the Home Office an opportunity to renew its Hostile Environment.
The Home Secretary was speaking to the British media at a time they’re treating the situations of human beings risking their lives on the sea as some form of “entertainment”. But Patel says she knows how to respond to these sickening drownings — by ramping up the Hostile Environment further because, and she says, “it’s not hostile enough.”
She also suggested that “had woke do-gooder lefties not stopped it, raw sewage would’ve been dumped into our rivers so that we wouldn’t be a fucking welcoming country to those who need to come for safety”. She also suggested that to make the situation better, she would have to transition into a smirking shark to make the people on the boats turn back.
Meanwhile, as Boris Johnson sent a letter to French President Emmanuel Macron telling him to “take back migrants”, the country responded by banning the UK from discussions about the next steps to prevent such avoidable tragedies. It is proof that party politics and petty arguments about human situations were important things for both countries.
Nigel Farage, a man whose heart is like the heartless monster who is also loveless, said that “we need to ramp up our xenophobia. If you disagree, you’re pro-letting people on the boats come onto our country, and anti-inhumanity like the rest of us.” He also suggested that another way to solve the so-called migrant crisis would be to bring millions of Nigel Farages onto the British seas, just for general dumbassery.
Prince William tests positive for having no knowledge about Africa population
Prince William, a father of three humans, tested positive this week for having no knowledge about the human population of Africa.
The Duke of Cambridge, whose rows with his brother Harry sparked tabloid media attraction and a BBC documentary, claimed that it is “endangering wildlife” at a speech in the Tusk Conservation Awards. But economists played down William’s comments by suggesting that the population of Africa is 1.3 billion (true) and the population of Prince Andrews being nonces is 1 (also true).
Prince William’s spokesman said: “The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are absolutely committed to protecting our wildlife… from human beings. We can do the Earthshot Prize, that’s great. But we can also do The Humanity Got Shot Prize.”
Tory MP goes back to TARDIS to remember when he wasn’t being a deranged asswipe
Tory MP Nick Fletcher travelled on a TARDIS to go back in time to remember when he wasn’t being an utterly deranged asswipe.
He claimed that Jodie Whittaker being the first female Doctor Who pushed young men into crime, also saying the same thing about female primary roles in Ghostbusters, Luke Skywalker and The Equalizer, saying they stripped boys and men of role models. Next thing, he will claim that the role of Taskmaster being played by a non-comedian will increase competitory shitshows, saying it strips comedians of pole bodels.
He clarified his comments by putting out his statement in which it read:
“I find my comments seriously misconstrued and over-twisted, which counts me for what I am. I meant to say that the reason that young men are committing crime is not because of poverty, mental health services being shut down, stripping educational resources of their funding etc, but it is definitely because men are losing role models. And it surely is that women are committing crimes by mainly getting TV roles. And yes, I’m looking at you, Queen Latifah.”
Black Friday sees huge increase in people buying more piss than originally intended
This year’s Black Friday saw a massive increase in people buying more piss than they originally intended to.
Last year’s Black Friday sales were mostly online because of the corona pandemic, and this year was no different. But it contained loads of exciting things, including 50% discount deals to pay for things at a cheaper price, piss being poured into several cups for 39p, Jeff Bezos shitting on his Amazon workers, which saw protests, and flooding our homes with clothes we brought but include those we hate.
James Grimshaw, a local pub owner and fan of Bittle Six (soz Little Mix), said of his customers buying piss: “it is a mad business! Alcoholic beer and non-alcoholic beer are combined into one thing: beer that mostly tastes like something from your toilet. Without that, Black Friday would’ve proved that it wasn’t possible to buy something that your mother would’ve morally improved on! You know, she likes Ribena.”
Storm Arwen named after Arwen Shitting, an architect of shit
Storm Arwen, the storm sprawling around the UK as we write this, has been named after Arwen Shitting, the world-renowned architect of shit.
Several Met Office warnings have been issued for a storm that sent out power cuts in Scotland, cancelled this weekend’s I’m A Celebrity and closed a leisure centre in Bangor, Northern Ireland. Storm Arwen did this because he wanted to pay tribute to Arwen Shitting and do his own shitty work for him.
Arwen Shitting (1871 — what-fucking-year-was-it) was CEO of Titans Itch Their Shits, abbreviated TITS. A pure titan of shithousery, Arwen was widely known for his work as a guy who could balls it up. You know, he compared himself originally to Guy Fawkes, in which a right-wing news site tried to pay tribute to the latter by calling itself “Guido”. Before Arwen’s untimely death, he wrote a letter saying he would like someone to do shitty things in his memory. Well, that someone is a storm who is also named Arwen.
The End
Thank you for reading and (hopefully) laughing along with this week’s The Headlines on such a horrific week. If that week has got you into thinking what can you do, please visit Choose Love. They are a charity working overtime to give refugees the humanitarian support they need, particularly during a time when they feel unsafe in the country they were in and during a time of rampant xenophobia. And if you’d like to come see their amazing store, you can find it in the south-east end of Carnaby Street in central London. There is loads of amazing stuff. Please help support Choose Love and their incredible work. Thank you.
In other news, there’s more of The Headlines from me next week, as news about the Omicron Covid variant is coming out already. We’re gonna be Omicroned, ain’t we?! Anyways, have a great week whatever your head says.
