The Headlines: part 29
Hey there everyone, welcome to the 29th edition of The Headlines, a thing that you’re basically having for your satirical dinner. The summer holidays are coming up later this season and we are literally sweltering to the point that we may need to be by our electronic fans 24/7. But to ease the crisis, I’m here to deliver the coldest (and inevitably hottest) stories of the week, like a fucking drink of water.
This week was the week the Conservative leadership contest to replace Boris Johnson got underway and it all developed so quickly! Plus, more like the heatwaves are beginning to get dangerously hot and a look inside a new NASA telescope.
Tory leadership contest sees those vying to be next Boris Johnson
This week saw the Conservative Party leadership contest get underway, as the people vying to replace Boris Johnson were also those campaigning to be the next Boris Johnson.
It was last week that he announced his resignation as the Tory leader, but that he would stay on as our Prime Minister until the autumn, with his resignation honours coming soon. He said in what would be his potentially last PMQs that he’s “proud” of what’s happened under him would leave Downing Street “with his head held high”, which translates to “I will leave my own hell heavenly”.
There were calls for Johnson to face a vote of no confidence in his leadership and government. He originally blocked Labour’s bid, but recently put through a bid to have his own no confidence vote. There too were calls for the next general election to be pushed forward, which if it did happen, the people that voted Conservative in 2019
At the time of writing, out of those competing to be the next PM, Rishi Sunak was the favourite for the famous black door at №10. He was the chancellor until last week but still is the leader of a family of non-doms (ask his wife Askhata Murty). During his “Ready 4 Rishi” campaign, he aimed to get the economy back on track, as if he forgot who was in charge of our economy for the past three years.
This week saw Suella Braverman being knocked out of the Tory leadership contest. Before that happened, the Attorney General for England and Wales revealed that if she became PM, the UK would leave the European Convention of Human Rights (ECHR) in response to it blocking deportation flights to Rwanda. Her elimination means that she probably won’t reveal her plans for a fascist UK, unless somebody appoints her to government.
Throughout all the voting rounds, Penny Mordaunt was the second popular choice among Conservative MPs. This week, she repeated a lie that “the UK was unable to stop Turkey from joining the EU”, did a Thatcher quotation and said “a woman like me doesn’t have a willy” (referring to “the trans debate”) and pledged to “get Brexit re-done” if she becomes PM. “re-done” is another word for “not yet done, but yet to get undone again”.
Also in the running to become Prime Minister was third-placed Liz Truss, who once got lost trying to figure out where the door out of her campaign speech is, but at least we can put our Truss in her considering she put in much hard work in making the UK a world-beating 3rd world country. Others also through were Tom Tugendhat (5th) and Kemi Badenoch (4th), who literally can’t tell what a violin sounds like.
The five remaining candidates (at the time of writing) took part in two live TV debates, broadcast on Channel 4 and ITV respectively on Friday and Sunday. They all faced questions on things like the economy, the cost of living, the climate crisis and whether or not Boris Johnson was honest. Tugendhat was the only candidate to say he wasn’t, whilst the rest were looking from answers that come straight out of a Schrödinger's exam.
Tory MP reveals who he’s backing for PM — and it’s not his wife’s best friend
As the Conservative leadership race dominates what would be known as British Politics in July 2022, a Tory MP has revealed who he’s backing to be the UK’s next Prime Minister — and it won’t be his wife’s best friend.
Stewart Lewis (who may not exist in reality but DOES exist on The Headlines) is the Conservative and Unionist MP for Land’s Divide, set in the border between England and Scotland. Here he is talking to the British media about who he’s getting behind for №10.
“This is quite a tricky one to be honest with you. I mean, all these candidates are doing their best putting their campaigns through to the mainstream. Let’s go through them: Tom Tugendhat served in the Army, Kemi Badenoch served in the Equalities position, Liz Truss is a flagship foreign minister, Penny Mordaunt puts in each Penny as a trade minister and Rishi Sunak was the Treasury leader and still one of the UK’s richest MPs. By a rich mile.
“If there’s any candidate I’m going to back, it’ll probably be either Rishi Sunak or Liz Truss or one of my wife’s best friends (who’s not in the running). Liz Truss has been very clear-headed throughout all these years. She is an openly staunch Brexiteer, having campaigned to Remain in the EU in 2016. Rishi Sunak: he got nearly all the big ideas right. One of them was evading paying tax so that he can be on the Sunday Times Rich List. Nice.
“So in other words, I’m backing Rishi Sunak. Cos at the end of the day, I might as well be backing the CEO of Get Rich or Try Lying and that is, fyi, me.”
Severe heatwave arrives in UK, a scorcher becoming like a burner
This week saw one of the most severest of the heatwaves make it’s way into the UK, a scorcher which in turn is becoming very much like a burner of a weather.
The Met Office upgraded it’s weather warning about the heatwave. The amber warning — which could impact ways of life — was extended in most of Great Britain (the island), whilst there is now a RED WARNING for extreme heat — which could mean a danger to life and ways of it. A national emergency has since been declared, meaning that any chance of going to a seaside right now would have to be accompanied by an electronic fan.
The extreme heatwaves were seen to have impacts on public transport. On the railways, speed restrictions came through for passenger safety, with the advice to avoid going on trains during the heatwave and bring loads of water if riding on trains. Speaking of trains, more rail strikes were announced this week, set to happen this and next month, meaning that negotiations between unions and bosses are basically like how the sun and moon interact together.
Impacts too were felt on schools and the NHS. The health service *could* see loads of hospital admissions from heat exhaustion, along with an influx of Covid patients, in a preventably unimaginable situation. Meanwhile, some schools closed as a result of the heatwave, but some also remained open, advising students to come in with PE kit and bring water. Some people responded to this news by saying “did this happen in 1976? Yeah of course.”
There was an emergency COBRA meeting called up as a result of this heatwave. One person who was not in attendance for it was Boris Johnson, who missed the other five COBRA meetings relating to Covid. The Prime Minister said he wanted to spend the final few weeks getting things done, in which one of them was to have a party in Chequers, or as the Sunday Mirror calls it, a heatrave in Chequers.
The climate change crisis was, as ever, the talking point of this heatwave and it was not long ago that it was revealed that temperatures *could* reach 40C by 2050. It’s now happening in 2022.
A government source said “we are prepared to handle the potential danger-to-life from the heatwave by learning the lessons from COP26. Sometimes it is easier to have dinner and take funding from climate change deniers than stopping fossil fuels and implementing Net Zero.”
Gotabaya Rajapaksa resigns as Sri Lanka president, leaving behind division and shithousery
In a week which saw one of the biggest political crises in South Asia, Gotabaya Rajapaksa tendered his resignation as the President of Sri Lanka, leaving behind loads of division and shithousery.
He originally announced his resignation a week ago, as his country saw hundreds of thousands take to the streets to protest how he handled the political and economic crisis. Inflation is on the rise and there was also a shortage of food, fuel and other basic supplies. The disgraced politician fled to the Maldives, and then to Singapore, to “avoid a surge of crowds get into me” i.e. face accountability for his actions.
Before Rajapaksa could announce his resignation, protesters made their way into what is his now-former office. They even made themselves feel at home in the swimming pool and took over the TV. Since his announcement, there have been plenty of celebrations, but also anger about the state of Sri Lanka. Rajapaksa was replaced temporarily as President by the Prime Minister, Ranil Wickremesinghe, who was a witness to what’s going on in his own country.
A government spokesperson spoke to international media about what was happening:
“It was a brutal moment for us all, but if there hadn’t been institutional corruptuon, a soaring inflation and shortage of food and fuel, then we would be likely to see none of all this. What Gotabaya Rajapaksa did as president was painful…ly legitimate to helping the country heal, by well, not letting the country heal. So as the rest of the world is watching whatever unfolds, the question that needs to be on our lips is: do we know fuck all?”
Elon Musk’s father having children with stepdaughter is evident of toxic masculinity
As if the world wasn’t close to a mortal collapse, this week saw Errol Musk revealing that he has two children with his stepdaughter, who he raised since she was four years old, which is evident of real-life toxic masculinity.
The 76 year old father of billionaire and space granulate Elon Musk spoke all about it on The Sun, which really should be called The Moon considering how it operates.
“When I ran out of how I can produce humanity, considering how much older my former wife is getting, that’s when I turned to my stepdaughter. I don’t recommend using your children or stepchildren when looking for ways to have a child, COS YOU ALREADY FUCKING HAVE CHILDREN… unless you’re me, in which you can do whatever you like considering you raised rich magnitudes.
“Yes, I know that the world is dying, the cost of living is impacting everyone on every country and human rights are at risk, but do you know what’s also at risk? Reproducing children when you spent your entire life raising five that’s as good as those being featured on Come Dine with Me.
“Also, don’t complain that I’m being a bad father. I want the best for all my kids and every single kid from around the country. Yes, even the kids of Ricky Martin and his family, cos they had the best from him long enough for him to be exposed.”
The End
That’s the end of another dogshit* The Headlines (*well, not that dogshit). Thanks for reading along and having a laugh (if you did) to all the latest news, alternatively written by me. Sort of. Next week is the last week of The Headlines before I go on a writing-free holiday for the rest of this summer. Hope you have a great week. Laterz!
