The Headlines: part 25
Welcome back once again, my g’s! And a very much WELCOME to first readers. Make yourselves visible to my latest piece of work that I’m writing in response to the shitshows that we’re all being subjected to. As we made it through another week, it should be another reminder that it is literally a weekend until……. GLAAAASSSSSTONBURRRRRRRYYYYYYYYY!!!!
Will be talking more about Glastonbury more often, but here is this week’s news as the UK aims to make Rwanda full of people they don’t even want, the NI Protocol being changed by the people who signed up to and hot weather in Glastonbury. Also, due to my increasing laziness, it’s only five headlines. Normal service shall resume next week. Or whatever dimension you’re in.
Rwanda policy will stop trafficking, says governing party doing plane-trafficking
A policy to deport asylum seekers from the UK to Rwanda will stop people-trafficking once and for all, according to a government doing plenty of plane-trafficking.
This week saw a load of legal actions being taken to try to stop the flights from going ahead, as seven people were due to be on the first flight, which was cancelled after last-minute legal rulings from the European Court of Human Rights. There were suggestions that the UK could leave the ECHR (which it isn’t doing for now), which is 1) not an EU court, 2) part of the Good Friday Agreement and 3) now a subject of any fuckery the Conservatives are doing.
Despite the first flight being grounded and many legal challenges planned to prevent inhumanity being legalised, the governing party remains more committed to the taxpayer-funded scheme (costing millions), which seems to be a pretty easier way of saying “if a ship is sinking, we will do out best to unsink it, by sinking it even further”.
The plan was not only condemned by human rights campaigners and charities, but also by figures of Christianity, as the Archbishops from the Church of England labelled it as “an immoral policy that shames Britain”. When there were things deemed to be immoral such as the Hostile Environment policy and the Windrush scandal, most of the church leaders focused on finding faith in Jesus, who literally was a fucking refugee.
After the failure of the scheme, the government decided that it’s time to go further: by electronically tagging asylum seekers, including those who were due to be on the Rwanda flight. Speaking to the British media, Prime Minister Boris Johnson defended this idea, calling it “one of the many ways to be an headline-grabbing piece of OTT shit.”
“Electronic tagging surely can’t hurt you. It’s one of many ways we can let you know that your time in a place called ‘piece’ is up. I mean, electronic tagging may give you a shock, but specifically a shock coming from The Top Firm [seeks to find out whom]. If we really want to tackle channel crossings so fast, then we have to act. And by that, I mean doing things that are inhumane, ineffective and not something to be tried at school.
“Electronic tagging is basically one of the many ways that I can be an headline-grabbing piece of over-the-top shit. Even your parents knew that but they were gullible to believe a psychopath like you (and me).”
UK government very keen on doing unlawful changes to deal they signed up to
As if the crisis about Rwanda wasn’t enough, the British government seemed to be very keen to be doing plenty of unlawful changes to a trade deal that they signed up to themselves.
The Northern Ireland Protocol was in the news this week as the UK published a plan designed to rewrite the deal that it agreed to during the Brexit madness. Doing such things break international law, and by taking legal action for it, the European Union (whom we left) proved it. But the Tories stood by their plans, saying “if it helps to fuck up international relationships to make Unionists better, then so be it”.
As the NI protocol was on the news again, so was Liz Truss (Truss her to be on there). In an interview, the foreign secretary pronounced Taoiseach (Irish prime minister) as “tea sock”, which left social media wondering if a tea sock was up for sale at a Tesco. Turned out that tea socks are actually feet socks.
This week marks six years since 52% of the UK voted to leave the EU. Since then, there has been many things like: queues on the M2, blue passports, Brexit campaigns on the basis of xenophobia, and talk of Scottish independence, as the Scottish government plans to hold an indyref2 in October 2023. Boris Johnson, the First Minister of England, said it was a “stupid idea”, but said that the Brexit vote was “a stupendous idea, even if I pissed on it all.”
One of the leading Brexit campaigners was Arron Banks, who lost his own libel case against journalist Carole Cadwalladr, who said he was lying about his relationship with the Russian state. Here he is talking about why getting Brexit through matters, even though it pisses his pants legally.
“So, here’s how it was in 2016: 52% voted for Britain to leave the EU and 48% voted for me to suffer my worst fate. But let me say this: with millions of pounds and corrupt campaigns, I achieved the unachievable: help infiltrate the millions of British people into backing a project based on division, xenophobia, lies, lawlessness and Banks-ruptcy, a good way of describing it.
“Shout out to my mates Boris Johnson, Michael Gove, Donald Trump, Nigel Farage, Alex Jones, Steve Bannon and every single white man that helped me get the most divisive vote through — and for letting me back Trump’s Wall. To be fair, I should house myself on it one day and exclude people like Carole Cadwalladr, mainly cos she exposes me whether I’m being a fucktard, which is my full-time job.”
In wake of Lord Geidt’s resignation, PM considers whether he actually has ethics
This week saw Lord Christopher Geidt resign as Boris Johnson’s ethics advisor, making the latter question whether he actually has ethics in life at all.
Geidt gave a full explanation for his resignation and said that the reason for that was because he couldn’t “be party to advising on potential lawbreaking” and that the Prime Minister forced him onto an “impossible and odious” position. He was presumably referring to the PM’s Partygate scandal, his rewritings of the Ministerial Code and international lawbreakings, which people would call “the abnormal that just became normal”.
Boris Johnson was originally supposed to make a visit to Doncaster before the Wakefield by-election, but instead went back to Kyiv, the capital of the war-torn Ukraine, to meet its president Volodymyr Zelensky, presumably for another opportunity at being the world leader of PR photos. Johnson also said that he didn’t know there actually was an international telephone.
He also questioned about whether he needs an ethics advisor, as Lord Geidt became the second one to resign after Sir Alex Allen, who quit after the PM backed Priti Patel despite (proven) allegations that she bullied senior servants, who could be heard saying “she’s very good at doing a great thing: hurting not just refugees, but us, her workers.”
Leading politicians mark five years since Grenfell tragedy by offering zero justice
A load of leading politicians marked five years since the Grenfell Tower fire, by offering more thoughts and prayers, and less justice for the dead.
On 14 June 2017, a fire broke out on Grenfell, a 24-storey tower in North Kensington in west London. 72 people sadly didn’t survive the fire and since then, there has been a community of sadness and anger as they all continued to process what happened. The Met Police said they handled Grenfell in “one of the hardest ways possible”, being not arresting anyone for it nor illegalising unsafe cladding, nothing to do with safety and everything to do with Grenfell.
Events took place to mark five years since this tragedy, including a memorial service at Westminster Abbey and a silent walk held at the centre of Grenfell, where the fire happened. Among those attending the memorials included William and Kate, in which if Harry and Meghan did the same, they would be ostracised by patriots who’re also paying respects to the dead. A potential sign of a very normal country.
The Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea, where Grenfell is, is one of the richest boroughs in London. Yet most of the people who died in the tragedy came from working-class and Black, Asian and Minority Ethnic (BAME) backgrounds. When the Grenfell residents attempted to leave the building, they “lacked common sense”, according to Jacob Rees-Mogg, who makes money out of being a historical bullshitter.
“I remember the horrors of that night, it was so traumatising for the families trying to stay safe in these conditions”, says Theresa May — WHO WAS LITERALLY THE PRIME MINISTER AT THE TIME OF IT.
As UK experiences another hottest day on record, thoughts from Glastonbury residents
This week saw mainly the south of the UK experience another hottest day on record, with temperatures at over 30°C, The Headlines got some thoughts on this from the residents of Glastonbury in Somerset.
The five-day music and arts festival returns to Worthy Farm this week with hundreds of thousands expected to be there, accompanied with live television and radio broadcasts on the BBC, mainly for those who either missed out on the tickets or who like getting festival experiences from the comforts of their own homes. We’re excited for it, and so are a couple of local Glasto residents.
David Joseph, a Tesco worker based in Glastonbury, said: “What a scorcher of a weather that was, even my customers can’t resist sweating everywhere they go in this weather. My advice for anyone going to Glasto this week is to bring in their sunscreams, sunglasses (if they got any), shirt and some shorts only and your excitement on the sounds of the Pyramid Stage, made out of many many pyramids.”
Jane Michaels from Glastonbury has been out for a lot of time in this hot weather. She described it as her “one-way ticket to Ibiza, only in Worthy Farm. That I can be proud of indeed.”
You heard it right — GLASTONBURY IS BACK. After making such a stunning debut on the Pyramid Stage, Billie Eilish is back headlining the thing on the Friday. She is currently in the UK on her Happier Than Ever tour and it’s heading to Pilton. A week after he turned 80, Sir Paul McCartney is headlining the Saturday, Diana Ross gets the Legends Slot and Kendrick Lamar closes out the whole festival on the Sunday, also closing out a weekend on a farm of worthiness.
The End
Thank you for reading The Headlines and liking it if you did! To be honest, I like my own likes so you can decide for yourself too. The Headlines is in a two-parter next week! The first part is all the news from politics and the second parter is Glastonbury-related stuff! In the meantime, I’m on Twitter and Instagram, which is where this thing is. Before I go, here’s a thing that’s beem doing the rounds lately:
Bye!
