The Headlines: part 22
Why hello there, my g’s! Welcome to the 22nd column of my satirical project The Headlines, where I continue my episodic journey at looking at the big news stories of the week that even you wouldn’t think of as part of your local restaurant menu. This is my weekly musing of the headlines that have you talking, that has my brain thinking “well, this wouldn’t happen in Beardland” and honestly I gotta agree.
In the news this week, the rising of the cost of living, the falling of a Brexit project and the uprisial of Australian democracy. So let’s jump to it, my g’s!
Cost of living crisis rises further, leading to government to use bullshit advices as help
This week saw the cost of living crisis bring out a lot of impact, as it lead to the British government to do something to heal this crisis: give out a lot of bullshit advices as sources for help.
Inflation was revealed to be hitting a 40-year high up to 9%. You read that right — A 40 YEAR HIGH, something unprecedented that would even impact those who didn’t have as much money as Rishi Sunak does.
As families begin feeling the realities of the cost of living crisis, the Conservatives thankfully weren’t bereft of any advice whatsoever, with safeguarding minister Rachel MacLean suggesting that “people struggling could take on more hours or get a better paid job”, in which she privately said afterwards that you could do something that will make your mortgage explode, like an historical artifact swimming deep.
As the cost of living began to continue impacting families, Rishi Sunak was somewhere to be seen after all. The chancellor was giving a speech to the business leaders and warned that things will be tough for families everywhere, apart from those who made the Sunday Times Rich List with a combined fortune of £730 million and overwhelming senses of being non-doms, who can then use taxpayers money for imagery repairs.
Kit Malthouse was in the news this week, regarding his comments about shoplifting at a time when families are struggling to eat. Here it is:
“Shoplifting is an unacceptable thing to do, even if you’re looking for something to eat when you don’t have enough money on you. The thing about the cost of living is that there are energy bills going higher now more than ever and we don’t know what more we can do to leviate the impact on the family, but there are two solutions. We could put a windfall tax on profitable energy companies, or criminalise those trying to eat via shoplifting. I think the latter works, cos I’m shit at sports.”
Meanwhile, celebrity chef Jamie Oliver staged an Eton Mess protest outside Downing Street in response to how the government’s tackling obesity as it delayed banning junk food ads including those being shown on TV before the 9pm watershed. Whilst people like Marcus Rashford and Jack Monroe campaigned for a future without poverty, Oliver was busy promoting his own food makings that a local supermarket once forgot about cos it was a TV thing.
Boris Johnson tries harder to sort out thing he unapologetically shagged with
This week saw Boris Johnson doing his best even harder to try to sort out the Northern Ireland protocol, aka a thing he had no problems unapologetically shagging with.
The Prime Minister went to NI this week in an attempt to meet the DUP’s demands that the protocol must be sorted out, or in other words, undoing to it what Brexit did with it. There were warnings that doing such stuff would ignite a trade war with the European Union, who might realise that now although whatever seemed possible, now looks differently under this Vote Leave government, who’d once said “vote to leave the EU to live sovereignly with us packs”.
As foreign secretary Liz Truss announced a legislation to sort out the NI Protocol, her boss Johnson looked under pressure to explain how it all caused Trouble. He was interviewed on Channel 4 News (from a broadcaster he and his government intend to privatise) and gave an explanation:
PM: “Well, I thought that the Protocol was one of our many, many ingredients in our oven ready Brexit deal. No deal would introduce more traffic, more customs checks and more of what we saw in Northern Ireland in the 90’s, which was what we speculated way back when. It’s such a shame to see the Protocol *winks* bring much division to a thing which people find to be divisive but we’re too privileged to give a shit bout it.”
Interviewer: “There was some violence we saw in Northern Ireland lately last year, with buses being lit on fire and fighting within the loyalists. They cited Brexit and what it’s doing to NI as the main reasons behind this shocking violence. Surely by now, you must have figured out who could’ve propped up all of this?…”
PM: “What’s been going on is so shocking and I don’t understand how on earth that this could all possibly happen… *winks as if it clearly wasn’t one of his and his mates’ own doings*”
In other news, Boris Johnson’s father Stanley secured himself a French citizenship, keeping a close tie with the EU after Brexit. In other words, let them eat passports.
Debunking of “Great Replacement Theory” debunked by believers of same theory
The rightful debunking of the unfounded “great replacement theory” — a factor in the white supremacist mass shooting in Buffalo, New York — was debunked by the people who believe in the same theory.
Fox News presenter Tucker Carlson, one of those people who become outraged with privilege, is one of the main spreaders of the racist conspiracy theory used this time by Payton Gradon, an 18-year old white supremacist who murdered ten people, all of whom were black, and livestreamed it all on Twitch, which proves that if you can livestream truly hideous content, many others will either follow or not go down a path of being grotesque shitholes.
After the racially-motivated attack in Buffalo, Carlson somehow expressed his shock at what happened, but continue to peddle the lie that white people are being “segregated” by those who are not white. He also said that “those who are trying to take down our own facts should literally be so shocked when they learn that we’re more superior and ignorant than you.”
Tucker Carlson was also in the news for another reason; it was emerged that he asked the son of President Joe Biden, Hunter, for help getting his son into an elite Washington university back in 2014. Carlson always hated Hunter for being inspired by intelligence, but it appears that he himself has transpired into a part of intelligence that ends up in deep insomnia.
The “great replacement theory” didn’t just come from the US. In 2005, The Spectator published a front page with “Eurabian nightmare” as the title, claiming that Muslims are “taking over Europe”. Boris Johnson was editor of the magazine when this was published, and since then he went on to do many things, including increasing Islamophobic hate crimes by comparing Muslim women to letterboxes, putting the Islamophobe in him into White Power.
More fines sent over partygate by Met Police on behalf of Prime Minister
This week saw the news of more fines being sent over a series of lockdown parties in Downing Street, all handed out by the Metropolitan Police on behalf of Boris Johnson.
After receiving a fine last month for breaking his own law, the Prime Minister considered himself lucky that he wasn’t fined for attending five out of the six illegal parties he attended himself, as the Met concluded their investigation into Partygate, meaning that Sue Gray is able to set free her much-anticipated report in front of millions of those who waited to see the next chapter of The Absolute Living State of British Politics in the 21st Century.
It was emerged that over a few weeks ago, the civil servant met with the PM about her report and that nobody knew about it way back when. The secret meeting did have arrangements of what would happen should things get heated for Boris Johnson, and one of those arrangements would be sacrificing the careers of servants to your boss, not the career of your consequence-free boss.
This month marks two years since Dominic Cummings drove 360 miles from London to Durham whilst testing his eyesight during the Covid lockdown. He commented about it all and Partygate:
“Well, let’s just say that as the person who probably started all of this, I think we’re all testing our eyesights to see what devious, cunning plan my former boss has to set himself free of the troubles that he started on his own, all of which I contributed to. I chatted to my wife from the Spectator and she insisted that I make notes from Barnard Castle. You know, a once so popular tourist destination in the North now a place where I made my name there.
“It’s impossible to see how the Prime Minister would possibly survive all of this. To be fair, I was with him back on the Brexit days when I helped make the Vote Leave vans just for everybody to see the smiles of us upon the grumps of those we shat on over.”
Australians vote to successfully reject politics of Murdoch regime
In the Australian federal election, voters got out to the polls and successfully voted to reject and see the downfall of the politics of a regime bigged up by Rupert Murdoch.
Scott Morrison from the Liberal Party was ousted by Anthony Albanese of Labor in an election which testified the issues that Australia is facing today, including: the climate crisis, the cost of living crisis, the pandemic and a crisis in which Morrison was backed by every single Australian newspaper owned by Murdoch, aka a man whose billionaire mind expanded so much into a regime he always aspired: the one through shithousery.
After losing to Albanese, Morrison conceded defeat and announced his departure as the leader of the Liberal Party, effectively plunging the party into crisis mode. Nobody was sure of who would replace him as the leader of the now-opposition party, but as Peter Dutton looked likely to replace him, it was the beginning of the end of Murdoch rule in a time where he couldn’t have dreamt of it better.
Who knows how Albo (a nickname for the new PM) will lead Australia, whether through a coalition with the Greens, it is a mystery that many people are figuring out at the time of this being written. The answers were said to be best laid through the mouths of political analysts, who were more likely to be getting more news coverage at this rate.
Nadine Dorries illustrates why being in charge of Channel 4 future is wickedly batshit idea
Nadine Dorries did a brilliant job recently of illustrating why being in charge of the future of Channel 4 (in terms of cultural vandalism) is a wickedly batshit idea coming from her dead-assed mind.
The culture secretary couldn’t resist being in the headlines for a load of embarrassing and cringe reasons. This time, she made a lie that a Channel 4 reality TV show (of which she appeared in) “used actors” and that contestants weren’t really living in a flat on a council tower block in Acton, west London. Dorries, who once branded herself a champion against disinformation, gave the lying's of her own an excuse “cos I can make my fucking mind up can’t I?”
Channel 4 and Love Productions, the latter who produced Tower Block of Commons for the former, both called out the blatant lie as a blatant lie and requested a comment from Nadine Dorries on why she said that. She responded by being too busy trying to piss off C4 News and its former presenter Jon Snow in order to justify the broadcaster’s privatisation and her egotistical career.
After the DCMS committee, Dorries spoke to some media about it:
“Who knows who’s winning a culture war that nobody wants, apart from me and my gang? I’ve waited a long time to bring Channel 4 into private ownership so that it can compete with Netflix and Amazon, of which I do some password sharing on one of them. It’s kind of a thing in your family to spread the passwords around when nobody else should know about it so that Netflix could make The Crown more popular than anything I’ve ever been in.”
The End
Thank you guys so much for reading The Headlines this week if you did so. Please keep it up and SHARE IT so people can know a lot more about a satirical project that came from the state of my stupid ass brain made in a madly-rummaged country we call Britain. If you didn’t find it funny, don’t worry! At least it says about me more about you, remember that.
As always, I’m on Twitter and Instagram, where you can find The Headlines on too. Back next week for more and then off the week afterwards, cos of that Jubilee thing. See ya then!
