The Headlines: part 21
Hiya there, my g’s and welcome to this week’s The Headlines! You know, a thing which tries it’s best not to publish the headlines that came straight out of how the Daily Mail and The Sun do it, eg; MAN FLINGS PUSSY ONTO BUSSY IN FRONT OF CUSTOMERS. It’s all a wonderful example of how mad our media landscape is. But us? We’re just trying to fucking fit in.
As ever, the week’s news headlines demonstrated the shit that modern society is in, like: new Queen’s Speech policies that only transform the little, Lee Anderson and Dartford Tories releasing a Heartless Collaboration and Wagatha Christie becoming a thing in court. So let’s jump to it!
Queen’s Speech 2022 gives government more opportunities to take everybody backwards
The Queen’s Speech gave the British government a lot more opportunities to do the things it was given permission by Her Majesty to do — take everybody backwards.
This year’s ceremony saw Prince Charles take up the Queen’s place in which she would normally do a speech, at least without a mobility issue. There was nothing much interesting about this, except the fact that a Black Rod can turn up and bang the doors to Parliament three times whilst everyone was made to imagine this was an AC/DC song.
This week saw Boris Johnson’s government set out policies and pledges for the next few years, with plans to criminalise peaceful protest via the Public Order Bill. The government looked worried that many people would take to the streets to protest against the things that they’re angered by, had that government and the systems took a lot more action, but they decided that watching their own fucked up ways unfold was an even easier way.
The Queen’s Speech saw other bills going through, with one of the 38 bills including the Privatisation Bill, giving the government opportunities to privatise Channel 4, despite the broadcaster’s pledges to level up around the country and increasing public opposition to the privatisation, but Nadine Dorries and her mates decided that it’s best to speak up for the minority as they didn’t even watch the BAFTAs.
Another bill was also the Conversion Therapy Bill, which gives the government opportunities to *partially* ban the tortuous conversion therapy only for lesbian, gay and bisexual people, but not for transgender people and people who “consent” to conversion therapy, all of it intended to divide the LGBTQ+ community. In other words, it’s a ban on conversion therapy that actually isn’t a ban on conversion therapy.
Out of the 38 bills, none addressed what more can be done to solve the cost of living crisis, which saw the economy shrink and fears that there could be a recession by next year. The chancellor and husband of a non-dom, Rishi Sunak, had an idea of how we can get through this: by bringing out some ideas that might as well include not taxing people like his own family.
This week, Michael Gove was in the news talking gibberish shit and using Scouse and American accents, as there were fears that he snorted out cocaine on live TV. Here he is responding to that:
“Erm, yeah. Let me just clarify on that one. If you were, of course, referring to me having a little snort of cocaine, then maybe that’s right?…. I mean, come on, guys! I was trying to actually say ‘if you think that we got our electoral strategies wrong and that we need to rewrite them again, maybe you can… oh look! Sadiq Khan wants cannabis legalised! Oh, so there IS coke in Westminster. Who’d have done this thing?’ and I felt shitty.
“Cos in life, there is nothing more shitty than being a newly single dad to children who would in the future have no problems growing up in a system where you can snort illegal drugs and STILL be stinking rich.”
Keir Starmer pledges to resign if fined over doing similar thing Boris Johnson does fuck all about
Keir Starmer made his commitment to resign as Labour leader if he was issued with a fixed penalty notice, whilst Boris Johnson — who himself was fined — decided to continue drinking wine with an unlawful look in Downing Street.
The Leader of the Opposition made this announcement as Durham police opened an investigation into whether he was breaking the rules by having a beer and a curry during a campaign in Durham. The video showing him drinking a beer was shot by Ivo Delingpole, the son of James Delingpole who is a writer at the right-wing Breitbart and who proves that you can be right… at being a good old fucktard.
In other news, there was more news of more fixed penalty notices in Downing Street referring to the parties that happened there, making it over a hundred fines being sent making Downing St. the most fined place in the UK. Boris Johnson didn’t get another fine though, but №10 promised to confirm that if he does, whether or not he’ll be parachuted from a cannon in I’m a Immorally Useless Politician… GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
Last December, Allegra Stratton resigned from Downing Street after she was caught having a laugh about the cheese and wine party in №10, a crime scene. She gave her views about beergate to the media:
“You would always be expected to just shrug it all off to feel like it somehow wasn’t the thing you liked being complicit in, would ya? I mean, I had a little lighthearted laugh about the wine and the cheese, but the fact that Keir Starmer had a beer and curry AND laughed about it is something that I will never understand… apart from how on earth I did the same thing and wasn’t shamed about it until I was exposed? I guess we’ll never know… or will we?”
Brexiteering politicians move to destroy thing they successfully campaigned for
A load of Brexit-backing politicians made their move to intend to destroy the Northern Ireland protocol, a thing which they successfully campaigned for during the Brexit catastrofuck.
This week saw the UK government attempt to revoke the Protocol originally introduced to protect the EU single market, whilst checking trade goods at the Irish border. The protocol was in the news a while back, with former Brexit minister Lord David Frost declaring to “do something” about a thing that he openly signed, agreed to and even had a slice of pie with.
The Democratic Unionist Party, who are basically the Northern Irish Conservatives, attempted to block the Northern Ireland Assembly from reopening because they don’t like the way the Protocol they originally had no problem with is going. Sinn Fein, which became the largest party in Stormont, condemned the DUP for what they’re doing, adding “they cannot get DUPed quite enough, can they?”
Boris Johnson is visiting Northern Ireland later this week (at the time of writing) to try to sort out the mess that he was one of many contributors to. He spoke to the British media about it:
“So, you know about the Northern Ireland thing suddenly? You know, in which I was one of the Brexit architects in making Northern Ireland a politically paralysed place in Britain right now? This Protocol, which I helped backed, is doing a lot of damage into how we trade with the EU, as I was particularly looking at how more we can help with our friends and partners out… by doing a thing which is out of a haunted kitchen factory.”
How to dehumanise those who can’t cook cos of poverty, by Lee Anderson
This week, Tory MP Lee Anderson was in the news for reasons that he predictably wanted. He said that people needed to learn how “to cook by hand” instead of going to foodbanks, reason being because of poverty made by his Conservative government. Since then, he gave out loads of advice of how to dehumanise the poorest in society and humanise more the white privileged people like him:
“Okay, lads. Let’s get serious, and by that, I mean the fucked-up version of serious. I’m gonna give you the list of how you can contribute to the dehumanisation of people who have less money than you do, and here it is in a compatible form:
“1. Listen to people like the Dartford Conservatives. They have always been supportive of helping those in need, and one of those reasons why is because they opened up a foodbank there and had a good old enjoyment about it, instead of really understanding why it was fucking needed in the first place.
“2. Libel Jack Monroe by claiming that she’s richer than me. I mean, by doing that, I could be sued by Jack herself? Which I already am tbh. Jack makes money from the poor by taking money off them… which is what I do more than her irl. I mean, Martin Daubney could be my lawyer if Jack ever sues us… in which we wouldn’t be in this fucking mess if we hadn’t created it.
“3. Say extensively that you will not attend if anyone takes a knee at the hearing. Because, as a white privileged man, I really don’t wanna see that shit. Anti-racist messages being used in front of me, a man who should see the fact that he’s privileged? *ignores the suggestion out of privilege*
“And that, my friends is what I call a ticket to being someone who you wouldn’t expect to even meet anyways!”
Wagatha Christie, one social media beef and trend, ends up being… legal issue
Wagatha Christie, a social media beef between Coleen Rooney and Rebekah Vardy that became one of the biggest trends, ended up becoming……….. a legal issue between them.
The wives of football stars Wayne Rooney and Jamie Vardy took each other to the High Court for a libel trial, referring to Coleen Rooney’s post about stories about her being leaked to The Sun newspaper, in which she exposed Rebekah Vardy for allegedly doing the leak. The leak was about posts from Rooney’s private Instagram account, in which one of them was probably about how footballers suddenly become married to those who have modelling in them.
This week, former 60 Minute Makeover presenter Peter Andre was in the news as Vardy — his former wife — was asked about an interview re. a sexual encounter with him, making jibes about his genitalia (quotes which she said were made up by the deceased News of the World), in which he responded by calling the claims “false by nature and not one of the reasons why I wrote and sung Mysterious Girl for.”
The trial continues later this week, with more predictions that once Wayne Rooney stands up in court, Derby County would see 10 points* added to their earnings. *10 points in WAGs.
UK comes second to Ukraine at Eurovision, meaning Europe starts liking it bit more
After three years of being in bottom place, the UK finally came out of the nul points era at Eurovision and ended up second placed to Ukraine — the winners of the night, meaning that the rest of Europe is liking Britain a lot more? (unless you put in Brexit that is)
Sam Ryder, the guy representing the UK for this year’s song contest, was having a great Eurovision this year as his song Space Man became the bookies’ favourite to win the contest. He won the jury vote as the UK got 283 votes from each European (and Australian) country’s spokesperson but the general public vote said differently, mainly cos you can’t trust the jury votes as if it was Judge Judy.
Kalush Orchestra, a rap-folk group from Ukraine, won the contest with their song Stefania, which saw the people worldwide got out and voted for them to win, because of two things; this song is one of many tunes to come out of a country savaged by Vladimir Putin’s Russia’s war, and that Piers Morgan was more likely pissed off.
In 2019 and 2021, the UK did so badly at the song contest, but by coming second place, it might as well earn the redemption that the reason why it did better was because the songs there are actually bangers, and not because of the political systems engulfing us.
The End
Thank you guys so much for supporting and reading The Headlines if you did! If I have more readers by the end of July (where I take a LOOOOOONG break), then I think the job is done here. OR IS IT?? Anyways, back next week with new satirical stories, with rays of light along the way.
In the meantime, you can find me being pissed off on Twitter and Instagram, which is where you can only find The Headlines (don’t worry, it was my choice not Elon’s). Have a great or bad or equal week folks. x
