The Headlines: part 15
Hiya and welcome back to the fifteen edition of my satirical piece of bullshit, The Headlines! As always, I’m gonna get you through all the week’s developments and ask all the big questions of the week, which would include when the Tories would sanction themselves for being swept with Russian money. That probably wouldn’t happen.
Also this week on the news, a new report on climate change, Mancock getting up to his love shit as usual, Gavin Williamson proving that you can fail upwards AND get honoured for it… and GLASTONBURY!!!! So let’s get you up to speed with the latest in Great British Satire, my g’s!
Whole world watches on as Putin’s Russia orders supplies of beer for WWIII
The whole wide world watched on in wartime shock this week as Vladimir Putin’s Russia ordered several supplies of beer specially made for the pariah state’s potential World War III in Ukraine.
Two weeks into the invasion, the dictating president — who started all of this — put his nuclear force into high alert, meaning they must be ready for the dissolution of Ukraine, which is actually a dissolution of their fuckeries. It was also alleged that it happened cos of this island’s Foreign Secretary Liz Truss continually doing her absolute best being one of many international embarrassments.
As Russian troops began pulling up in key Ukrainian cities, including Kharkiv and Kherson, they launched missile attacks on things like the Holocaust memorial and the nuclear plant, presumably as part of their “de-Nazification” and “making sure Ukraine has nothing nothing left, and so does Russia”.
Meanwhile, Volodymyr Zelensky — who turned from comedian to politician to now ultimate wartime leader — refused to bow down to his Russian counterpart and his war crimes. He also committed to fight back against what mighty evil forces the Russian military might bring — there was a little bit of hope they might shoot Vlad Putin’s dick.
Zelensky also made a plea for his country to join the European Union, something which Putin doesn’t want, cos he’s concerned that they will do everything in their power to stop him, which they should cos under him, Russia is not a democracy. It is a democratically fucked-up dictatorship.
The International Criminal Court announced that it’s investigating the war crimes committed by the regime, but the latter suggested that there were no war crimes committed, only it was peacekeeping crimes. The ICC begged to differ from their shite response as always.
The Kremlin spokesman spoke to Russian state media, but we translated his words to make it better to hear:
“We know exactly what the fuck we’re doing here, we’re making it that Ukraine are invading us when we’re actually invading it. I know! The fact that there were a million refugees fleeing Ukraine when our armed forces put in their ‘military operation’ when it’s actually endangering human lives… boy, when you next speak to me, I promise you that YOU will be a refugee and NOT bullshitters like us.”
As the crisis continued having an impact on sports, FIFA and UEFA unanimously announced that Russian football clubs and the national team were all suspended from every competition and banned from competing in the World Cup, meaning they can’t play for and/or in a country with a lead authoritarian with desires for nukes.
Roman Abramovich — one of many unsanctioned Russian billionaire oligarchs — announced his intention to sell Chelsea, the club he literally owns. Basically he wants to sell it to the likes of John Terry, who doesn’t notice that he’s literally praising the friend of a man who is slaughtering civilians and can’t remember that his dick is tiny.
Meanwhile, the International Olympic Committee recommended that athletes from Russia and Belarus are banned from international competitions cos of what their countries are doing. The International Paralympic Committee originally said they could compete as “neutrals” until it made a decision to ban them altogether, mainly cos neutrals would still mean representing a pariah state but not publicly.
The cultural response also came in steezy too. Several gigs were cancelled in Russia, Belarus and Ukraine, whilst Disney, Sony and Warner Bros announced that they won’t release films in Russia for the time being. Because Putin and his Kremlin motherfuckers have a desire for one thing: watching films whilst committing war crimes.
Compare the Market TV ads were pulled from the air, which was featuring fictional Russian billionaire Aleksandr Orlov but he’s not a friend of Putin. Sainsbury’s renamed chicken kievs as Chicken Kyiv, the Ukrainian name for the capital and it joined other supermarkets in pulling Russian-made vodka from their stores. That’s show ‘em! (I’m not sure)
‘Russia’s Ukraine invasion is nothing like Soviet’, and other bullshit things
Since Russia began it’s large-scale invasion of Ukraine, bullshit things like “it is nothing like the Soviets” found their place to be spread around — and literally, they were asking for it.
This week saw Tory MP Edward Leigh claim that Lincolnshire is “full of too many Ukrainian refugees”, which is basically slang for “we should’ve been more hostile towards the refugees fleeing situations through no fault of their own.” A Home Office source praised him for his comments, adding “we’ve no plans to waive visas, which is what’s fucking needed.”
As black and brown people fleeing Ukraine were subjected to racism at the Polish border, there were people suggesting that Ukraine was a “relatively civilised” country and that the people fleeing “look like us”. They also said that people of colour were made for wars and that “we were made to propagate selective empathy because we’re privileged arses.”
On Twitter, #IStandWithPutin and #IStandWithRussia were trending on the site, which led to some action. In response, Russia — the pariah state — blocked access to the bird app, Facebook and YouTube, and even put a range of restrictions on the international media. Talk about freedom of speech when you suppressed those critical of you and your dangers.
There will be more bullshit things to come later in the week, but in the meantime, this is the best I can fucking do.
Joe Biden delivers 1st State of the Union speech to talk about state of union
Joe Biden delivered his first annual State of the Union address to America and the world to talk about the actual state of the union, in which that union is Ukraine having world peace and Russia pissing over it.
The president used the speech to pledge to make Vladimir Putin pay for his country’s invasion and war in Ukraine and to come for his ill-begotten gains, in which he made a dystopian version of Ill Gotten Gains. At the end of his first SOTU speech, Biden also pledged to “go get him” in which that “him” is a paintman, mistaken for Putin.
Meanwhile, Lauren Boebert and her political sister Marjorie Taylor Greene from — surprise surprise — the GOP were up to their usual shitstains as they interrupted and heckled President Biden, in which that heckle got a shelling down from speaker Nancy Pelosi. Boebert and MTG also said that they would continue voting against “woke things” cos “we clearly need to vote for guns, in which these guns are us.”
A White House representative spoke to the international media about the state of the union:
“Okay guys, y’all wanna tell me about what’s really happened there? We got him! Okay, I was taking about my other representative here, Gordon Smith Jr. He is such an intelligent man and colleague to work with, and we got him! It’s a GOOD day, America! Also, if Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene were to ever meet Gordon, he would tell them to dick the dick off. Just saying!”
Matt Hancock reads bedtime story about how he corrupted things up for love
Matt Hancock — a man who likes to lovingly fuck things up — read a bedtime story about how he corrupted things up for love — even his Student Radio career.
The former Health Secretary appeared on Dragons Den guy Steven Bartlett’s podcast The Diary of a CEO, in which he was the CEO of Leaving All the Important Things for Gina Coladangelo. The pound shop Milk Tray Man (as stated by TV legend Lorraine Kelly) said that he fell “deeply in love” with his lover and expressed regret for the pain it caused but that he didn’t break Covid rules kissing her, which was to say “I thought she was my wife”.
As war began to rock the world, Hancock thought of some way to ease it all down, by telling a story about the time he met Gina Coladangelo and was in some sort of relationship with her that cost him his cabinet position — and his wife and children.
Here he is speaking all about it:
“It was some sort of phenomenon that somehow got into me. You know, where I met Gina at Student Radio and we were having so much fun crafting loads of things, even illegal sex. I didn’t advise anyone to be having sex with your work mates or lovers whilst we placed to Covid restrictions, and this advice applied to everyone but me. Because, and forget my PPE scandals for a second, can we talk about my unfuckable cock?!”
As IPCC climate change report is out, it recommends defunding of Tory private jet flights
As the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released a report looking into how badly climate change is affecting us, it recommended that we defund the private jet flights worth taxpayers’ money by the Tories.
The IPCC’s findings were stark and brutal, as it was revealed that there are irreversible impacts of global warming and that over 40% of the population are believed to be ‘highly vulnerable’ to climate. This report also detailed what more we can do to take action against the stronger effects of climate change, and one of these actions is by stripping the private jets rode on by Tories of funding, so that the London to Cornwall journeys will be on UK soil.
It was no denying how greater the risks to climate change are, not even COP26 inspired a proper and functioning net-zero strategy, but it however did inspire performative promises by world leaders that “we can do more”. They didn’t say whether that more would include eradicating pollution, cos “our promises are already polluted, so meh.”
The Levelling Up secretary Michael Gove — fresh from his private shitty rave — spoke to the media about this report:
“I know how dark this could be in terms of doing more, but we CAN do more. By not doing more. Actually, we had dinner with climate skeptics, our members include people who don’t believe that we should go carbon neutral, or that we should have paper straws, in which they should’ve said ‘don’t vote Conservative’.
“So it is with our suggestion that of course we should continue taking action, by ignoring everything the Greta Thunberg or the Extinction Rebellion elite say regarding fossil fuels etc. I mean, we’ll shut down fossil fuels and coal mines, except the ones that back us. I mean, we’re hypocritical polluters ain’t we?”
After multiple failures, Gavin Williamson finally gets knighthood for it
After a string of failures — including the exams scandal and being sacked twice from government — Gavin Williamson finally received a knighthood for all of it, effectively summing up the honours system.
The former Education Secretary was showing his casual expression as usual, when he was made a Sir for services to making every single child feel like failures by his A-Level and GCSE exams scandals, services to being sacked twice as Defence Secretary and Education Sec, services to thinking Maro Itoje was Marcus Rashford and services to campaigning for schools to be white privileged, a tactic by white privileged people like him.
Of course this government didn’t wanna move on from the man who dined with Russian oligarch Lubov Chernukhin — in which she gave the Tories £80k, so they asked the monarchy to knight him for his hard work — and guess what? They did! If this isn’t proof of the honours system needing to be abolished for fuelling poverty by honouring the rich and privileged, guess what is? Gav eating Russian pancakes.
The current education secretary Nadhim Zahawi spoke to the media about his predecessor’s knighthood:
“It always brings a smile to my face to see a man who is constantly failing upwards get knighted for it. He gave me an opportunity to ban Woke from schools, colleges and universities in order for students to be uneducated by staff about the issues that are affecting people in everyday lives, and I have to say that by doing that, we are woke on woke.
“Also, he knows how hard the A-Level and GCSE cancellations and Covid disruptions are making for everyone, so we just wanna reassure everyone that we’re doing all we can to ease the pain, in which that pain is twelve years of the Tory government.”
As Glastonbury line-up is revealed, Gastonbury feels bereft by sister festival’s movements
As this year’s Glastonbury line-up was revealed, with acts like the beatle Paul McCartney, the humble Kendrick Lamar and the happier than ever Billie Eilish performing, feeling bereft by it’s movements is Gastonbury (without the L), Glastonbury’s sister festival.
Glastonbury was off in 2020 and 2021 as Covid took centre stage, meaning we had to watch highlights of previous years on the BBC. But this year, summer is back at long last, and were it not for the genius of organiser Emily Eavis, the line-up, with more to come, would be crap (it isn’t). Glastonbury is for life, not just worth a few holidays in Worthy Farm.
But the people who organise Gastonbury, a nonexistent festival, were so jealous that they couldn’t deliver what it’s sister festival brought for several years, with big name musicians making a spirit of the summers. Cos Gastonbury is nonexistent.
The Headlines bagged an opportunity to speak to Annie Levine, who herself co-founded Gastonbury through her head:
“To organise such a festival like this, you need to book performers who made names for themselves, performers you might have not heard of and performers which have been around longer than your relationships with your teachers. Glastonbury is the one for that, we try to catch up, but somehow it feels a lot harder now cos we can see that only 100 people come to our nonexistent festival, whilst 200,000 camp around in Worthy Farm. It is worthily mad.”
Glastonbury is returning this year on 22–26 June. If you ain’t watching, you’re more likely to miss Wolf Alice on set (as in the band, not a wolf named Alice).
The End
Thank you all for reading and enjoying this week’s The Headlines, it’s been a pleasure to use my comedy to make sense of what’s literally going on in the world right now. Three columns to go until I’m OOMWO (out of my writing office). Back for more next week, you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram (and this project’s Instagram). See ya, and protect your mental health. Paramount to everything.
