The Headlines: part 11
Welcome back to The Headlines, my g’s! This is the eleventh edition of my satirical project, whose name deprives from newsreaders saying “the headlines” when introducing the day’s news stories. Either it’s about satirising the main stories or the week, or it’s about saying “The Headlines” to every single headline I read. Which is it?
You’ll answer that question as soon as you keep up with the news, which includes: the Sue Gray report setting a new week in political fuckeries, levelling ups that are actually fucking ups and Brexit reality in Northern Ireland biting back. This is probably redacted, so let’s have it my g’s!
Boris Johnson responds to Sue Gray report with every bit of ambushery in him
A deliberately embattled Boris Johnson responded to the Sue Gray report into Partygates in Downing Street, using every single bit of ambushery within him and his soul.
Part one of that Sue Gray report came out and it found that there were “failures of leadership and judgement” in Downing Street relating to a series of *squints* illegal parties all held in 2020 and 2021, most of which the Prime Motherfucker had an appetite for.
12 out of the 16 parties mentioned in the first iteration of the report were being investigated by the Met Police at the time of writing, in which they were sent over 300 photos relating to them. You know what, you can basically trust a police force which has the brother of Sajid Javid, Bas Javid, working for them and be like “who are we the force for? The people or a load of toilets piped up in cocaine?”
In the 16 parties included was the leaving do in January last year, in which Boris Johnson was one of the main attendees. It seemed that he wanted to establish a new policy: Love Prosecco, Hate Following the Rules You Set Yourself (with added beer, and added taxpayer-funded photographer).
As Boris Johnson gave out his usually frank non-apologies, his predecessor Theresa May was seen giving him a lot of a roasting, you know, like a Windrush victim or a Grenfell resident.
The SNP’s Westminster leader Ian Blackford was kicked out of the House of Commons cos he called the liar [BoJo] a liar for constantly misleading Parliament, which led to the speaker Lindsay Hoyle announcing a policy that you can kick someone out for calling out a liar but give that liar lots of good cake for lying.
Culture — CULTURED — Secretary, Nadine Dorries, spoke to the media and unapologetically gave her wavering support to the PM:
“We know that this man, this grace, this leader who can lead in a fridge, he can do much better for our country and if there was anyone who can do the job of our own Boris, I hope it would be me but I need lots of flags to make it look like I’m an UKIP material. The Prime Minister always tells the truth, and that truth is that he has so many of that £350 million on him that looks good for our Brexity shit.
“All the liberal democrats, socialists and remoaners etc — you have literally spent ALL YOUR TIME criticising Boris Johnson ever since he became Prime Minister in 2019. I mean, this is basically who we are, so another good reason for your criticisms.”
Boris Johnson says he didn’t know Jimmy Savile slur would fuck up meaning of democracy
Boris Johnson said that he didn’t know that a slur used against Keir Starmer relating to the Jimmy Savile case would fuck up any sensical meaning of democracy and non-fuckery.
There was no evidence whatsoever that the Labour leader, who was director of public prosecutions, was involved in the failure to prosecute the entertainer-turned-paedophile, because he wasn’t directly involved in the case. But the Prime Minister repeated his unsubstantiated claims at PMQs, with new words “and also, I am an misinformed disgrace”.
The Jimmy Savile slur prompted a resignation from the PM’s longtime advisor, Munira Mirza, one of five resignations from №10. It also encouraged Tory MPs including Tobias Ellwood and Anthony Mangall to send in letters of no confidence in BoJo, in which he was backed by the actual fucking Disinformation Minister Chris Philp, who once said that disinformation is very bad, unless if you’re a Tory.
During his press briefing, chancellor Rishi Sunak distanced himself from his boss’s slur, saying he “wouldn’t have said it” to Keir Starmer, which meant that Make Shitty Slurs to Help Shitty Slurs would’ve been unlikely in this case.
The Prime Motherfucker spoke to the British media to clarify his slur:
“I wanna say that Keir Starmer wasn’t involved in the failure to prosecute Jimmy Savile, but even if he was, it doesn’t set the right precedent to jump on the sinking ship of far-right conspiracies all to save my fucking job. Or does it? Keir Starmer was a great Director of Public Prosecutions, I was a crap Mayor of London. Anyone for booze and biscuits for breakfast?”
We will do better, say police force which did better on prejudice and motherfuckery
TRIGGER WARNING: The following headline contains details relating to discrimination, rape and harassment that you will find offensive
“We will promise to do a lot better”, said the Metropolitan Police, which did a lot better when it came to prejudice and motherfuckeries within their systems.
It was revealed by the police watchdog and the IOPC that there were stenches of discrimination, bullying and harassment within a police force that could’ve confirmed their new plan for protecting their citizens, and that is by protecting their own, the wealthy and Partygaters.
The deliberate incidents included a string of racist, homophobic and misogynistic messages by the Met’s own officers, in which they also made jokes about rape, murdering black children and beating their girlfriends, all of which add up to the Met’s book of records for prioritising bullshits over dealing with the Tories who are being evidently unlawful.
It all came in a week after Cressida Dick’s Army of Shit PCs had to apologise to an academic, Dr Konstancja Duff, for using sexist and derogatory language about her, referring to her knickers when she was arrested. It turned out for the Met that making fun of women for their choices of clothing was more important than not being a bunch of stupidly hideous assholes.
A Met Police officer — who’s white, male and heterosexual — responded to his own force’s failings and fuckups:
“I am so shocked and angered that a police force, that could protect Wayne Couzens and pin down the Sarah Everard vigil attenders, could do something like these. This is not who we are AT ALL… but it kind of is though, so don’t shit us not. We will do a whole lot better on our behaviours, but only we did that — and it was by simultaneous shitholery.
“I saw the work we all did during our time would be valued with our public — who we hope are tone-deaf with our Wayne Couzens related shits and many who think the UK isn’t institutionally racist, because we racistly say so. I mean, what about these N-words whom I offended.”
Governing party announces that Levelling Up plan includes levelling up scandals
The Conservative government announced this week that their plan for Levelling Up does include levelling up more and more scandals that they can scandal up.
There was a lot of malarkey of the Tory way of “levelling up” simply to save Boris Johnson’s skin, as Michael Gove — who once called northerners “cruel, dirty and toothless faces” — recognised the regional inequalities in the North and Midlands and made “landmark promises” to improve lives outside the South, in which these landmark promises include saying that “there is a Southern version of Barnard Castle and the Angel of the North.”
In levelling up news, there were new stories of billions wasted on the PPE contracts, this time £9 billion were wiped off by the government, with £2.6 billion spent on items unsuitable for the NHS. They responded with “sorry if we didn’t get it right, let’s PPE it up again”.
In more levelling up news, it was revealed that the govt offered no new money and no new powers to help improve the north, but they also announced that new amount of billions of pounds would be used to wipe off anything, even Covid frauds worth £4.3 billion.
Also in levelling up news, energy bills are set to rise up to £693, meaning that it would increase to 54% and 6.5 million households would end up in fuel poverty. But at least Insulate Britain — whose five protesters were jailed for defying the M25 injunctions — aren’t here to remind us that we’re gonna end up in a poverty state.
Rishi Sunak — the billionaire Chancellor of the Exchequer — pretended to feel concern about these rises and announced his £200 loan and a rebate on council tax bills. All of which was brought to you by a government who were working on a new slogan — Higher Taxes, Lower Growth, Sorted.
Michael Gove — the Levelling Up Secretary who is also the Cocaine Secretary — spoke to the British media about his government’s plans for levelling up:
“If you have a house and it’s full of socialists, it needs to be levelled up to some sort of insulation — you know, the thing where we’re made to all hate Insulate Britain and basically, uninsulate Britain. This government is deeply committed to making sure that all sorts of housing around this country get the treatment it deserves — with £1 billion promising to go to them, but actually getting written off in the end.”
Rishi Sunak also added his voice to the discussions:
“Well, I’d like to add that Michael was very right when it comes to raising insulation — and that we’re levelling up Britain by putting in low growth and higher taxes for the poorest rather than the rich. This is really fucking simple, even your worse-off nan is having National Insurance rises for dinner that I and my colleagues made.”
Russia recognises even Britain wants to join in with their shitholery in Ukraine
The Russian government recognised that even the British government wanted to join in with the Eastern European country’s shitholery in Ukraine because of some dumbass disagreements.
As there were speculations of a Russia-Ukraine conflict looking likely, the Russian state TV mocked the disrespected Boris Johnson for the way he handled the Partygate scandals, as he headed to Ukraine for talks and potentially cakes.
Meanwhile, Foreign Secretary Liz Truss was mocked by Russian foreign military spokeswoman, Maria Zakharova, as she failed to know the difference between the Baltic and Black Seas as she once said “we are shipping the Black goods into the Baltic seas, mainly because we are Baltic arses.”
The British government said: “We believe that we are communicating with both countries to strengthen agreements with each other to be continuous fuck-ups, you know, like us.”
The Russian and Ukrainian governments responded: “We’d like to thank the United Kingdom for doing it’s bit to make it worse for the both of us. Couldn’t be helped out enough.”
Northern Ireland Protocol has brilliant time fucking up Northern Ireland
The Northern Ireland Protocol — which was signed off and approved by Lord Frost — had a brilliant time recently fucking up life and goods in Northern Ireland.
The Protocol, which was made as a way to check on the customs goods after Brexit, was in the shade again as Paul Givan resigned as the Northern Irish first minister, meaning that the former FM Arlene Foster was watching from her home thinking “glad I’m not in the shit that I was a part of.”
Meanwhile, the Vote Leave government were busy pumping out their reasoning for believing that Brexit can work out for all, because simply the benefits they made included “We can have British-made milk, we can get on with the things that matter most, and that is putting xenophobia to the core of our post-Brexit campaign”.
Meanwhile, Normal Country spent it’s usual time worrying about whatever the EU will do in response to the thing the former planted into our brains as some sort of success which is actually a heinous version of Glastonbury.
The UK government responded to this news with this statement:
“We believe that Brexit will be a big improvement and boost to the UK economy. At the same time it will be total fucking opposite to both. We got Brexit done, that is Boris Johnson’s legacy, let’s fuck it up fi dem, yuh?”
Kanye West hires Julia Fox to be hitwoman and Kim Kardashian’s nightmare
Kanye West — known as the man who Ye’s everything up — hired his girlfriend, actor Julia Fox to be a hitwoman and a nightmare of his former wife Kim Kardashian.
Ye — who was arguably a lot better in the 00s — aimed his social media shotgun at Kim K, alleging she’s letting their daughter North West use TikTok without his permission, pointing out TikTok’s age policy — which would be married to him fyi.
Kim K called out Ye for his constant attacks on her as their divorce was on their way to progression as they thought both Julia Fox and Pete Davidson dated each other before they switched couples. North West had her TikTok — which she shares with her mother — removed, purely because Ye didn’t realise that a parent can run a TikTok account with their under-13 children.
Coming to the defence of Ye was right-wing commentator Candace Owens, who once stated that “gay marriage was on it’s path to overtaking straight marriage as the most popular form of marriage, mainly because we straights are homophobic arseholes.”
Kanye’s publicist responded to the news with this statement:
“Ye is putting out Donda 2 in a matter of weeks, maybe even months because of the way we’re doing. I mean, Chicago has never been THIS sunny, in fact it’s more popular than Las Vegas, Houston, Atlanta or Philadelphia, in which It’s Always Sunny in the latter.”
Fashion killas give verdict of whether Rihanna and A$AP Rocky’s baby will be named Fashion Killa
As it was revealed that Rihanna is pregnant and that A$AP Rocky would be the father of her baby, a load of fashion killas gave a verdict of whether that baby will be named Fashion Killa.
Robyn Fenty showed the world her baby bump, which she made it into an Instagram post, and after hearing the news about the baby, Drake — who was Rihanna’s one — unfollowed both her and A$AP Rocky on Instagram and was potentially heard saying “nah nah nah nah nah, why am I not the fucking father?”
The Headlines spoke to four fashion killas who gave out their verdicts, which turned out to be Fendicts.
Fashion Killa 1 said: “I heard the baby would be called Fashion Killa and I, a fashion killa myself, hope and pray for it to happen. I mean, look at Kulture, Cardi B’s daughter, whom that Offset guy fathers most of his days when he’s not working with Migos being Bad and Boujee.”
Fashion Killa 2 also spoke: “It’s been six years since the last Rihanna album, ANTI, came out and we’ve been waiting for a brand new album for her for so fucking long, and it feels like we got it — a baby in waiting. We don’t know how many songs it has, but we hope it will be an album to never forget.”
Fashion Killa 3, also said: “Rihanna’s been doing the most lately. In celebration of her native Barbados being independent from the monarchy, she was made their National Hero for her legacies that were attemptedly being overshadowed by Drake — who wasn’t Taking Care of her.”
Fashion Killa 4 said this finally: “She’s taking her time and prime — it’s been a while since her last album so we should saviour the news that she’s gonna be a mother — because let’s face it, Drake would be a crap father, so we got someone to be a Rocky father A$AP.”
The End
Thank you everyone for reading and having a laugh at this week’s The Headlines. At a time when politicians are out there making satire impossible, it’s always good to have a good old sense of humour at the stuff that’s going on right now, or even in the future.
I’ll be back next week satirising the latest in news and pop culture. In the meantime, you can check me out on Twitter and Instagram which are @abdumohamed02. And check out The Headlines on Instagram too @the_headlines_satire obvs. Have a great week!
