The Headlines: part 10
Hello there, my g’s. Welcome to the tenth edition of The Headlines, known as a thing which would in future be subjected to a Sue Gray investigation. This week, we continue the most difficult task of satirising the unsatirisable, especially at a time when it comes to reporting yourself to authorities in order to be the laughing stock of ’em all.
This week, I’m ambushing you with the news that includes: birthday parties in №10 whilst there were none elsewhere, new Islamophobia ingulfing a party led by an Islamophobe and The Joe Rogan Stayed-Put.. So get ready for more of the best new satire, folks!
British governing party responds to continuing partygate scandals: cake? Whot cake?
The Conservative government recently responded to a load of continuing Partygate scandals engulfing Boris Johnson, by saying “cake? Whot cake? The cake of our lives?”
The Prime Minister celebrated his 56th birthday — organised by his wife Carrie in June 2020 whilst we weren’t allowed to have our own birthdays in 2020. There were 30 guests involved to wish him a happy birthday “for only ten minutes”, and the menu included a birthday cake, which was alleged to be Colin the Caterpillar, but actually it’s Boris the Birthday Shagger.
In March 2020, he praised the then-7-year-old Josephine, who cancelled her birthday party during the first lockdown, saying she “sets a great example” to us all. After multiple stories of Downing Street parties, people are thinking the exact opposite of him, which wouldn’t have happened if he had socially distanced from his own ego.
The Prime Minister’s spokesman spoke to the media and paparazzi:
“I can assure you that Boris Johnson broke absolutely no rules whatsoever. Not a zilch, if that zilch can include meeting dubious friends and families. The rules he made, he stuck to — only for a specific and limited time.
“We can tell you that Colin the Caterpillar had a wonderous time wondering whether or not he’s gonna be avoiding the media talk malarkey about him. The rest is history, depending on whatever history can be used to provide a sense of egotism in Parliament. Boris the Birthday Shagger did provide egotism — the Egotism of his Chamberlin.”
At PMQs, Boris Johnson was seen having a pop at Keir Starmer as per usual, calling him a “lawyer not a leader” when being questioned about lying to Parliament about the parties. It was also revealed that the former is actually a ‘quelle party-hard motherfucker, not a leader’. And he also fat-shamed the SNP’s Ian Blackford re cake, because he couldn’t fat-shame his own self as he blew — and ate — his own birthday cake.
Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries — fresh from her BBC licence fee obsession — issued a defence that she clearly didn’t do her homework on, asking “this is now a party?” in response to the news. If it was not a party, it might as well have been a staged heist for lockdown makers to do whatever the fuck they like.
Tory MP Conor Burns was also one of the people that got out their bats for Boris and said that he was “ambushed with a cake” in words that could effectively kill off British satire forever. He clarified that by saying the opposite, which meant we were actually ambushed with corrections that aren’t actually corrections.
From racism and misogyny to Partygate, a record that Met Police can be proud of
This week, the Metropolitan Police announced that they would be investigating the Partygate scandals, but went back to their fucked-up ways by asking Sue Gray to remove details of the parties from her report, thus delaying it. We take a look at the Met’s track record, which they can be proud of — from racism and misogyny to Partygate and protecting Downing Street for a basic living.
The murder of Stephen Lawrence
In the wake of the murder of Stephen Lawrence in 1993, who was stabbed to death by white males in Eltham, south-east London, the Met were found to be institutionally racist for their handling of his murder. Their response to the findings was to simply do things which aren’t racist and prejudicial but in reality, the exact fucking opposite.
The Met’s spokesman said this in 2007: “We know the Met has a track record of protecting black people — and that is by not protecting them. We are not a racist force, we racistly do things, see?”
The murder of Daniel Morgan
Daniel Morgan was a Private Investigator whose work was dedicated to uncovering police corruption, until his unsolved murder by axe in Sydenham, south London in 1987. In 2021, the Met were found to be institutionally corrupt in their response to the murder of a man who was trying to expose rampant corruption within them that even they can corruptly see that.
A spokeswoman for Cressida Dick, who leads the force for shit brains, said this: “This ruling against us is shocking, and a reminder of the shit that we do which we find entirely shocking afterwards. If you excuse me, I’m gonna go corruptly speak my mind.”
The murder and vigil of Sarah Everard
As she was walking home in Clapham, south London in 2021, Sarah Everard was murdered by a serving police officer, Wayne Couzens, which became a call for male violence to be recognised for the harm it’s doing to women everywhere. For the Met though, it was a call to keep on fucking everything up, including the vigil, where they mainly interrupted the mourning for Sarah, but the Downing Street parties were fine apparently.
Cressida Dick faced calls to resign for her handlings of the situation, but said this in response: “Police misogyny? What police misogyny?”
The shooting of Jean Charles de Menezes
Let’s go back to a dark time in 2005, where a few weeks after the 7/7 bombings, the Met’s very own officers shot dead a Brazilian named Jean Charles de Menezes in Stockwell, south London, who was wrongly deemed to be one of the fugitives of the failed bombing attempts the day before his killing. The Met said there was no evidence to suggest that they deliberately kill people, but guess what — that evidence is their own doing.
Cressida Dick — who’s known as The Commissioner of the Shit PCs — headed up the operation where the Met shot dead Jean Charles, and as I write this, she’s still in her job, where you can protect your job but be bullshit at it. See also: Mark Duggan.
The complicity in four homophobic murders of gay men by Stephen Port
The Met originally prided itself to be a safe police force for the LGBTQ+ community, but the case of Stephen Port. who murdered four gay men, proved very differently about their stance — as seen on BBC1’s Four Lives (go watch on BBC iPlayer). The Met’s institutional homophobia didn’t stop them from only being performative LGBTQ+ allies during Pride season, then getting back to what they do best: make society divisive for queer people.
The murders of Bibaa Henry and Nicole Smallman
Bibaa Henry and Nicole Smallman were two sisters who were hanging out at the park in Kingsbury, north-west London with no problems, until both of them were murdered by a man named Danyal Hussein in 2020. Two Met officers took selfies of the sisters’ murdered bodies, in another example of a police force whose appetite is making things better [worse] for societies everywhere.
Their spokesman said this: “We didn’t know that taking selfies of murdered bodies would be against the law, only that we didn’t know how on earth the law operates. Now that’s a qwhite interesting thing.”
The Tories using money for corruption
In late 2020, the Owen Paterson lobbying scandal dominated UK politics and discussions about Tory MPs having second jobs with great use of public money, giving corruption the funds it desperately needs. The Met refused to investigate because there was “insufficient evidence” and it was useless to do so, because “being a bunch of Shit PCs is what we came to do.”
and last but not least, Partygate
A series of Downing Street parties — all held during Covid restrictions — happened in 2020 and 2021, most of which the Prime Motherfucker Boris Johnson attended. All of the parties in which the Met guarded Downing Street and did fuck all about the parties, because dealing with powerless citizens than the rich elite is their main priority really.
In light of this week’s events, it’d be rude not to give them recognition for being the assistant drivers of all the fuckeries that was caused onto the political geo-system. From initially refusing to investigating parties to avoiding accountability for their handlings of Partygate, the Met Police is truly the best police force to set up policies that protect the government and detest the public who were being lawful.
I take Islamophobia seriously, says PM who advised against ‘letterboxes’ and ‘bank robbers’
“I can assure you that I take Islamophobia 100% very seriously,” said Boris Johnson, who once said that the public should avoid what he says “letterboxes” and “bank robbers”.
Tory MP Nusrat Ghani said that she was sacked as a minister by chief whip Mark Spencer because her “Muslimness” was “making colleagues uncomfortable”. The man behind it said what she said was “untrue” and deleted his tweets, which made it qwhite interesting of what he did.
Meanwhile, the Prime Minister — whose remarks about Muslim women sparked a 375% increase in Islamophobic hate crimes — ordered an inquiry into Nus Ghani’s allegations, in which the findings will have been a whitewash — the type of whitewash that BoJo is having for his shower as water is white, making his skin even whiter.
Deputy Prime Minister Dominic Raab spoke to the British media about the latest in Tory Islamophobia:
“Boris Johnson is 100% right to condemn what’s happened to Nus Ghani, but it’s only because she didn’t wear a burqa, which makes you a letterbox and a bank robber, but you didn’t rob a bank. Instead, we’ve become like bank robbers via your fucking taxes, because we wanna spend that building suitcases for Rishi Sunak, but they weren’t that Suitcashi.
“If the report turns out to be a whitewash, then we will take that ruling and make everything we do whitewashed. After all, it’s thanks to this government that we can get on with our priorities and Make Britain A Whitewash Again.”
Boris Johnson stands up to Vladimir Putin — by letting him piss over Ukraine
Boris Johnson recently stood up to the King of Russian Dictatorship, Vladimir Putin, this week — by letting him have a piss all over Ukraine as part of his invasive policies.
It was feared that the invasion of Ukraine by Russia could be very likely to happen again, the first one in eight years — you know, when they couldn’t find anything to do other than unnecessarily put lives at risk there. But the British Prime Minister — who was pressurised to release the report into Russian intelligence — said he had the balls to stand up to the Russian President, and maybe invite him to Downing Street for cake and go.
Johnson announced that he would be holding a call with Putin next week to de-escalate the situation, but the de-escalation would be basically getting ambushed with lots of WhatsApp messages.
Meanwhile, there were key talks involving both countries, talks which also included The West, mainly America and Britain, as they try to counteract their response to the crisis that they’re mainly sidelining from.
Foreign Secretary Liz Truss spoke to the British media and issued this response:
“I think what’s happening between Russia and Ukraine is gonna be so damaging for international democracy, in which we also said we would break international law, but it didn’t impact international democracy. Or did it then. Enough of Partygate then, we need to focus on the REAL ISSUES that are affecting us, and one of them is potentially fucking up our response to the crisis in Eastern Europe.”
Prince Andrew reveals intention to avoid boxing with Virginia Giuffre — and being brought to justice
Prince Andrew revealed one of his many notable intentions to avoid being in a boxing clash (sex trafficking trial) with Virginia Giuffre — and being brought to justice by the FBI.
The Duke of Nonce demanded a jury trial so that he could be found not guilty of sex trafficking, which he always consistently denied ever since the Newsnight interview in 2019. Lawyers representing Virginia described it as a “publicity stunt”, the kind of stunt that Andrew dared to do for about every day of his life.
He was fresh from losing his military titles and no longer being a HRH, because the Royal Family find him a problem now which they found Harry and Meghan to be the problems that didn’t start all that.
Piers Morgan — also known as a man who once said he’s block anyone who shows a picture of him with Ghislaine Maxwell — said he stood by his stance, because “being held accountable for your actions should give you powers to block people who are not obsessively creepy fuckos like you.”
Piers got his new job — as writer and commentator for The Sun, as two major evil forces team up together to make Harry and Meghan fearful for their future via their ever-so increasingly obsessive fuckery over them.
The spokesperson for the Duke of Nonce said:
“We can assure you that Prince Andrew isn’t a man who’s looking for noncery to have sex with, but if he was though, he wasn’t, which makes it a case for sex trafficking. Fyi, is this a Pizza Express Woking that we’re being interviewed? If it ain’t, I’m calling the FBI, who should’ve caught us red handed.”
Boris Johnson thought pets and animals were “human beings” in defence of Afghanistan fuckery
Boris Johnson recently thought that pets and animals — which were rescued — were “human beings” as he defended his government’s Afghanistan response — actually, fuckery.
It was revealed that in August 2021, the Prime Minister authorised the rescue of pets and animals from Afghanistan, as the Taliban began taking over the country as it’s citizens were at risk as a result. He dismissed these criticisms as “total rhubarb”, which led to a local DJ named Total Rhubarb to say that he was flabbergasted to get a shout out from “a man who literally rhubarbs everything up”.
Meanwhile, as it was revealed that the current Foreign Secretary Liz Truss took a flight to Australia worth £500,000 of taxpayers’ money, the then Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab phoned the Foreign Office to say that he has a strategy to respond to the Afghanistan crisis — and that is by closing the sea in several seasides like Crete.
A government spokesman spoke to the British media and said this:
“We had a carefully skilled-out plan to get the Afghans out of their endangered country and that is by treating them like nobodies, get all the pets and Pen Farthing’s animals out of the country and still be leaders of being international embarrassments. I mean, who wouldn’t like to get the Afghans to Crete, where they can close the sea, which we deviously devised.”
Joe Rogan signs new deal with Spotify to host “I Keep All My Conspiracies Safe”
Joe Rogan — the man who made a name for being a conspiracist speaker — signed a new deal worth $500,000 with Spotify to host a new podcast titled “I Keep All My Conspiracies Safe”.
This week, musical legend Neil Young announced his intention to remove his music from Spotify over the way that they platform misinformation via The Joe Rogan Experience, with fellow musician Joni Mitchell following his lead. James Blunt took the piss out of Spotify, joking that he’ll release new music if they kept Joe Rogan on. The new single would be titled “You Were Beautiful”, a tribute to Spotify.
Also raising concerns about misinformation are Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, in which Piers Morgan branded them “woke luvvies concerned that Joe Rogan will have ME on his podcast, which would seem interesting considering I make their lives a fuckery.”
The misinformation planted in Joe Rogan’s podcast is mainly some dumbass discussions about the pandemic and climate change etc, from people like Jordan Peterson and Joe Rogan himself. A publicist for Joe Rogan called the criticisms “absolute nonsense from well-informed wokeables.”
“We are right up-to-date with the latest information — actually, misinformation — and we want to boost as many listeners as possible, and we did just that — by pumping more juices into every single misinformation.”
Man puts his best friend in similar situation as Taylor Swift and guy who Blurred up Gorillaz
This week in the LA Times, Damon Albarn of Blur and Gorillaz said that Taylor Swift “doesn’t write her own songs” (spoiler: she does) and when she found out, the pop culture industry — mainly Swifties — rallied around her. In this exclusive for The Headlines, we speak to a man who once put his best friend in a similar situation, but’s that situation isn’t about credibility.
The man’s name is Nick Davies and his best friend is Amelia Goodbanks and they get on together, just like cats and dogs do when they’re together.
Nick said: “I often get into a shit with Amelia and even I can unjudgmentally say that she is a great friend, we met at high school, she listens to Taylor Swift, I listen to Blur, so maybe that’s why we’re having difficulties. I can neither confirm nor deny that Billie Eilish and her brother Finneas were behind them.”
Amelia said: “Nick is specially an intelligent guy, he knows how even white privileged men like himself can get into all sorts of situations with people like me. For example, he might be a Gorillaz fan, I might be a Taylor Swift fan. He might be a Kanye West fan, I might be a Kim Kardashian fan. He might be a Tory Lanez fan, I might be a Megan Thee Stallion fan, so maybe that’s the reason why we shit ourselves.”
Nick said: “Don’t even get me started with Britney vs Jamie Lynn, abeg of you.”
Amelia said: “You’re a Jamie Lynn fan, I’m a Britney fan. How’s ZAT?!”
The End
Thank you for reading this week’s The Headlines and having a laugh if you liked it. I love writing satire but sometimes you can kinda get all tired out from writing, so sometimes I’m late to some things but not ENTIRELY late.
Anyways, the thing will return next week, in the meantime you can follow me @abdulmohamed02 on Twitter and Instagram (I’m trying to be way better there) and I hope you have a good time there.
