The Headlines: part 1
Oh, hi there, everyone. Welcome to my first column under The Headlines, a new satirical page that I hope will become a success story. Because, under an oppressive and corrupt system, we all need success stories. And by that, I include satire stories. In this series, each headline — and story — is being written satirically. I’m basically channeling my inner Private Eye. Also, not every story I write is true so please remember that.
This week’s news includes: the latest in Tory corruption, COP26 being Copped up by performative world leaders and Yorkshire Cricket revealing themselves to be a club looking for ways to be left alone for all the bullshit there. So, without further ado, let’s go straight in with The Headlines of the week.
We respect democracy and rule of law, says governing political party that backed Owen Paterson
“We respect democracy and the rule of law”, said the British governing political party that backed Owen Paterson and added “pro-sleaze” in their signatures.
In latest corruption news, the Tories faced a week of grueling amounts of anger and shouts of “shame” after their 250 MPs voted to let him off the hook for lobbying a firm for over £100,000. After this outcry, Paterson resigned as an MP, citing “the cruel world of politics” as the reason. He also cited “having fellow corrupt politicians like Boris Johnson backing me and opposition politicians ruining it for me because we fucked shit up.”
Boris Johnson, the architect of corruption, responded to the whole shitshow, saying: “I’m very sorry to see that Owen Paterson resigned because of pathetically corrupt politicians like me. Because of this, we’re looking for a new MP to take on Mr Paterson’s seat. Someone who can help me cover up my Goldsmith-owned-and-funded holiday in Marbella and then say “Boris is Winston Churchill’s icon, only this is the fucking 21st Century”.”
Jacob Rees-Mogg, the Commons leader who was widely talked about as the shit he is, also said: “Let me take you back to the Victorian Times, which perfectly means my bullshit analogy. Back then, we used to lobby and not get caught out or sacked or had to resign. In fact, that was politics then and it’s politics now. So will the Speaker change the amendment to punish and ban corrupt politicians, except the ones who are Conservatives? It would be unfair on us and it’s because of liberal lefties calling us out for the shits we are.”
Keir Starmer, supposedly the Leader of the Opposition, responded: “The Tories are riddled with corruption and cronyism thriving within them and the political system. Which leaves me wondering; what is Labour doing about it? We’re having an infighting.”
The government declined to comment about this on situation on The Headlines, saying “we must continue our job of serving the public by being uselessly corrupt shitholes and distracting you with scenes of Boris and Carrie having sex.”
Matt Hancock, who gave a private firm an NHS contract and whose government was forced to publish details of PPE contracts totaling £4.2bn, said he’s “so glad I left this shitty place I helped create.”
Public to tell government: you can shove your sleaze crisis up your arse
Enraged members of the public are set to tell the corrupt Tory government that they can shove their ‘sleaze crisis’ up their arse.
Inspired by Greta Thunberg’s chants aimed at performative world leaders at COP26, people who care about democracy and recognize what the Tories are doing have been coming up with ideas to protest against a party that started all this.
Boris Johnson, whose Downing Street flat refurbishment costs £200,000, responded: “I dunno what to shove up my arse. Other than: my pretend concern for democracy thanks to liberal lefties protesting against my bullshit and the bullshit of Tories.”
Boris Johnson says he didn’t wear a mask sitting next to David Attenborough because he couldn’t Be More Attenborough
57-year-old politician Boris Johnson said that the reason why he didn’t wear a mask whilst sitting next to 95-year-old national treasure Sir David Attenborough at COP26 is because he couldn’t Be More Attenborough.
The Prime Minister was explaining this reason to the US media, as it’s no wonder why the UK media wasn’t doing the same thing. Maybe Laura Kuenssberg and Robert Peston were busy collecting scoops of a big story involving a cyclone.
When asked about *that* moment by journalist Christiane Amanpour, Johnson said: “I wear a mask while being near people in all confined spaces, unless it’s people like Sir David Attenborough etc. The woke lefties concerned about my actions? Let me say this: we are getting on with the job of dealing with climate change with our policies around them, which don’t include Being More Attenborough but definitely including allowing coal mines and Cambo to go ahead.”
COP26 president Alok Sharma says he’s getting behind Johnson, saying “whenever or wherever he fucks up Planet Earth, it looks good for COP.”
Yorkshire CCC say discriminatory P word is “banter”, just as much as their entire existence
The Yorkshire County Cricket Club said the use of discriminatory P word against their former player is “banter”, just as much as their entire credibility and existence.
Gary Ballance, who plays for the club, called former team-mate Azeem Rafiq a “P***”, and it was also revealed that Michael Vaughan also made a racist comment towards Asian cricketers which he totally denies. The same Michael Vaughan who tweeted that Moeen Ali should “go around asking Muslims he doesn’t know if they’re a terrorist” in the aftermath of the Manchester Arena bombing. But hey, Michael is not racist! He’s only “concerned” about Muslims.
Vaughan was also dropped from the BBC show Tuffers and Vaughan as a result of this situation, and in response, he said this: “I’m gonna say what is and isn’t racist. Calling Asian derogatory names and “P***s” is not racist, but calling me a privileged white man is. Speaking of which, anyone want a sauce and sprinkle of White Male Privilege?”
White people say John Lewis Xmas ad is “displaying levels of wokeness” and want it to be white people only
Some white people claimed that this year’s John Lewis Christmas advert is “displaying levels of wokeness” and that they want it to be white people only, just like other Christmas adverts.
The people who complained about it also claim they’re not racist, but that John Lewis is woke for the diversity of the cast involved, as it features a black family and an alien. Maybe the complainers have white fragility, which they do.
One of the people said this: “John Lewis is WOKE for having a black family when ALL Christmas adverts clearly should have WHITE FAMILIES on it. Because a diverse Christmas is spoiling MY Christmas and it makes it impossible for me to have a racist holiday. I hope Santa Claus gives me a proper Christmas present: A champagne of White Privilege.”
The scores at the minute: Nuno Espirito Santo 0, Tottenham 4
After sacking Nuno Espirito Santo for the past four failing months, Tottenham Hotspur had a great night in ways that he would describe as “a punishment I deserve”.
Spurs fans were relieved to hear that Antonio Conte is now taking over as head coach, and as their club beat Vitesse 3–2 in the Europa League, they continued that party life: by declaring that Ole Gunnar Solskjaer of Manchester United should meet his worst nightmare: them.
Nuno was sacked as Spurs manager two days after Man Utd outclassed them. The club’s chairman Daniel Levy said: “Nuno Espirito Santo was a manager who took us to new heights. And by that, we mean the heights of being low in the Premier League table. He will be missed so much and I hope Antonio Conte doesn’t Conte it up for us. And by that, we mean fuck it up.”
Adele’s tracklist for her album 30 includes I Drink Wine, which rhymes with I Watch Vine
Adele has released the tracklist for her fourth album 30, which features the №1 hit ‘Easy on Me’ and ‘I Drink Wine’, which rhymes with I Watch Vine.
I Watch Vine is a made-up term, basically referring to watching Jeremy Vine on his Channel 5 talk show or Eggheads or listening to him on Radio 2 etc. But I Drink Wine, which grabbed everyone’s attention, talks about Adele’s consumption of alcohol, in which on an Instagram Live a few memories ago (this year), she revealed she quit alcohol to protect her voice in preparation of her comeback. Maybe Wine could do a song, titled ‘I Was Drunk By Adele’.
In all seriousness, her album is sure to be a listen. In all humour, if it gets to №1 the week after the 19th November, it would be Adele’s fourth number one under the title ‘30’.
Water companies dumping raw sewage onto Britain’s waters spend worst Bonfire Night ever
Water companies that are dumping raw sewage and disgusting shit onto Britain’s rivers found Bonfire Night to be their worst one ever.
After Tory MPs voted for the toxifying of our water system to go ahead — which they had to U-turn on — their government is set to put a vote on legalising dumping shit onto rivers. By which extent, Boris Johnson said “the world needs to grow up on climate change” and he’s leading an example — Making Britain A Shithole Again.
One water company said that Bonfire Night was miserable for them. “I think, Bonfire Night could’ve gone a different way — fireworks with added raw sewage on them. That’d be the best Bonfire Night ever!”
Thank you for reading the first ever column from The Headlines this week. Whatever the political scandals, the unexpected and a country run by absolute counts (if you take the O out of this word, it’ll make sense), I’ll be back with column 2 for this series. Until then, Spice Up Your Sewage.
